hey

sry I've not posted in a while... things have been really busy. i really don't have a lot to say. i just wanted to let y'all know that i'm still alive and kicking. lol... i haven't forgotten about you guys, the readers. things have been stressful lately... i've been having people down my back and stressing me out and i'm getting sick of it... i'm so sick of stress... i wanna just move away and never come back sometimes so i won't have to deal with the same people all the time...

My A-D-D showin through...

My grandparents are coming today from Kentucky. Granddaddy's helping my dad with something for our yard... Like airrating it and putting out grass seed or something.... I don't know. But I'm excited.

I have a test next week in my Ed. Psych class and the funniest part to me (not that it's bad... but neway) my teacher's not gonna be there for the test because she has to be away for meeting or something. She couldn't get out of it because the person that called her to come to these meetings pays her salary and she pretty much told our teacher that she was gonna have to get a sub. So that's gonna be fun. So I have a good amount of studying to do. I'm gonna do as much as I can... I really need to pass this class. I know I can, but anyway...

So I woke up at like 7 something this morning. I don't know why. It's not even daylight savings time yet... But it is Saturday... I'm glad we're getting an extra hour of sleep. The DST in the spring really messes me up. I hate it. But anyway...

Man I gotta start sleeping in my bed again. For the past almost three weeks, I've been sleeping in the bonus room on the couch. This past weekend, I didn't tho. I was in Henderson, Tn. visiting my sister and some of my friends at Freed Hardeman. It was good to get away. In a way, it's good to be home, too. I love it there, but I love home. Ya know?

Girls night and other events

So, tonight after class I was able to enjoy spending time with a couple other great girls. My friend Jenna and I went out to eat at Logans Roadhouse. It was good! I had Southwest BBQ Chicken. It was grilled chicken breast with bbq sauce, cheese and diced tomatoes. It came with coleslaw and I got to pick 2 sides. I got broccoli (the seasonal vegetable) and sauteed mushrooms. MEGA GOOD and I'm not a big broccoli person! :) Then we went over to another friends house and we watched Flash Foward and Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Flash Forward was good. I probably should not have come in on the third episode, but I did. So I kinda feel obligated to go back and watch the first two before Thursday when it comes on again. The episode of EMHE we watched was good. Can't wait for the next one! :) Hope to have more girls nights.

Before class, I had to go to Joann's (a craft store I've applied at for a job) to talk to the Hiring Manager. And of course, he wasn't in AGAIN. So I have to go back again into Cool Springs to talk to him. He wasn't there when I turned in my application last week. In a way I kinda would hate to make a trip just to tak to him. But who knows, maybe I can talk to other people at other places I 've applied to and do the same thing. So who knows... I seem to be in a better mood today. It was hard not going to Johns after class today as I normally had been doing. But I think that day by day if I take one day at a time, things will get better. I hope they do. And I hope that John doesn't forget about me. I hope that what I'm feeling [in hopes to get back together and all that stuff if things are right] aren't one sided. So... Anyway. I guess I'll stop here. I'm gonna start a thing where I hopefully will be able to read the bible in 90 days.

[John hope you're doing well. I'm sure you'll prolly read this... I'll try to post more every day so you can know what's going on day to day so you can see how I'm changing. I want this to work and I hope you do to. Don't let things go by too long before we can try again. Hope to see you soon.]

The past day-- Trying to take it one day at a time

A lot has happened in the past twenty four hours that has made me think about my life, where I am and where I want and need to go. My fiance and I broke up yesterday afternoon. I hope I never have to face anything this difficult ever again. Things have to be worked out. I want him back so bad, I'm willing to do almost anything. I hope, though, that he realizes he has to work hard to get me back. I didn't sleep well last night at all. It's been so hard trying not to think about him and not being able to contact him. I want to talk to him so bad, but I don't want that to affect what could happen to us in the future. I miss talking to him. He's my best friend. I mean you can't go without talking to your best friend. I've lost my appetite, I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. I feel so alone.

I'm currently looking for a job, so if anyone is reading this, keep me posted about places who are hiring. I would love to have something part time, and something more than just seasonal part time. I can't have just seasonal part time.

I also am really gonna be strict now about my weight and losing a lot so I can be healthy. A lot of things didn't motivate me. But, now that this has happened, I feel motivated enough to make a life change. I need to lose weight. Hopefully, that will help me gain back some self-esteem and some self-confidence. My mom, dad and I went to Rador Lake State Park today to go exercize. Dad ran, and Mom and I walked. We walked about 3 miles today. I'm pretty proud of myself. I hope to get to where I can exercize twice a day and eventually, maybe three times a day. I'm not desperate, so don't think that I am. I am primarily doing this for me. I need to watch what I eat and how much I eat. Sometimes I give in and get things I don't need. I'm now having to cut back on a lot of things and it's gonna be so stinkin difficult!! UGH...

I also have to gain independence. It's hard, though, because when I transferred schools, I had to move back in with my parents. My curfew is earlier here than it was at school by thirty minutes to an hour. It's hard for me to get used to, but I'm getting there.

I'm trying, also, to make more friends around here that I can hang out with more, and talk to more often. It's hard for me to do sometimes. A lot of my friends I grew up with are in college now. And a lot of my friends are at Freed. So I can't just pick up and drive 3 hours to go see my friends, and then come back another 3 hours. I can't. It's been hard because dad's been out of a job almost a year now. Money's really tight.

I just hope that I can have the happiness that I did have with John back. I don't want to have to think that there may be someone else out there for me. It's too hard. John's the one I see for me. He's the one I see standing by me when I look at my wedding day. He's the one I see when I'm raising my children. He's the one I see when I am rocking on the front porch and I'm old and wrinkly. I know he's the one for me. I'm willing to work on what I have ot work on to get him back. I hope he's just that willing to work too.

If you're reading this, John, I hope you're seeing this and that it proves to you that I'm working on this. I want to make things work again and I want you back so bad. I hope you're willing to work, as well. We've both discussed this, but relationships aren't one-sided. They're two sided. They require a lot of work from BOTH people. I hope that if this is what you want, you're willing to work on it and you're willing to meet me in the middle. I love you.

Family "get togethers"

Today, John's dad and girlfriend came to town for the Ole Miss vs. Vandy football game in Nashville and he had gotten James, John and me all tickets as well. They (James, John, Mr. Farrow and Sally) plus my mom's parents all ate at our house for lunch. It was AWESOME. We had a blast spending time with each other. John and I left in my car, James in his car and Mr. Farrow and Sally in the car that they brought [Mr. Farrow sells Fords by the way]. John and I went to his house so he could change into something for the game so he wouldn't be cold. While he was changing, I played Civilization 4 [which is kinda new to me], and I'm hooked. I love it. Then, we left and drove to James' house. From there, James, John and I walked to Vandy's stadium to watch the game. After the game {which btw Go Ole Miss!!! 23 to 7!!}, the three of us went to Wendy's on West End Ave. for dinner. It was good. Then, we walked back to James' house and drove home. It wasn't until I got home from John's that my legs felt tired and kinda sore from the walking. I knew they'd prolly be a little tired, but I wasn't going to complain while walking because John was sore from helping a co-worker move, and I didn't want to sound like a wimp. But now I'm gonna just say it. My legs are tired and are kinda sore. But all in all we had fun. Just thought I'd share my events for the night. I had a blast. And tomorrow, I get to eat for free. We're having some kind of pot luck at church after worship to help "celebrate" our new addition to the church buildidng. So, needless to say, John, James and I are pretty excited. lol. Now, I'm going to go to bed. I'm beat!

Self Image

[Disclaimer.... I wrote this for a dorm devotional a while back and I thought it would be good for people to read it outside of that dorm devotional. If you're a christian, please read it and tell me what you think. Give me comments. If you're not a christian, please do the same. Read it and give me comments. Hope to hear feedback soon. It's my prayer that this is a blessing to someone out there. Also, all the scriptures I include are from the English Standard Version. Much Love, SBK]

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Self Image

Do you like the person you see in the mirror? You should. After all, the person in the mirror is a very special person, who is made and loved by God. And God precicely knew what He was doing when he gave you a unique set of talents and opportunities. Now, it's up to you to discover what those talents are and to use them, but sometimes the world will encourage otherwise. At times, society will attempt to force you into a particular, performed mold. Yet God may have other plans in store for you.

The world will attemtp to define you- how you should look, how you should act, and how you should think. And because you're an imperfect human being, you may become so wrapped up in meeting the world's expectiations that you fail to focus on God's expectations He has for you. To do so is a mistake of major proportions. Instead of trying to please the world, try to please God by becoming the very best 'you' that you can be.

Thousands of books have been written about ways to improve self-esteem, yet maintaining a healthy self-image is, to a surprising extent, the matter of doing three things: 1. Obeying God, 2. Thinking healthy thoughts, 3. Finding a purpose for your life that pleases your Creator and yourself.

The following ideas can help you build the kind of self-image and the kind of life that both you and God will be proud of:

1. Behave yourself. If you're not behaving yourself, how can you possibly expect to feel good about yourself? 1 Peter 3:12 says, "For the eyese of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayers. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

2. Guard your thoughts and guard your heart. Eventhough you can't control every thought, you can usually control the direction of your thoughts. Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

3. Spend time with people who are upbeat, enthusiastic and encouraging. If you and your friends always seem to end up in 'the critics corner', it's time to find new friends... and a new corner! James 4:11 says, "Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge."


4. Don't be too hard on yourself. If you're willing to firgive other people's mistakes, then you should be willing to forgive your own mistakes, as well. Romans 14:22 says, "The faith that you have, keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves."

5. Find something you're passionate about. Become so wrapped up in something that you don't have time to worry about self-esteem. Colossians 3:23 says, "Whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord and not for men,..."

6. Beware of addictions. Addictions of whatever type lead to misery, grief and low self-esteem. Exodus 20:3 says, "You shall have no other gods before me."

7. Finally, here's a word of caution. Don't spend too much time focused on self-esteem. Instead, you should focus on using your talents and pleasing your God. You should learn to direct your thoughts in positive ways. You should learn to find something to do and someone to love. When you accomplish these things, your self esteem will, on myst days, take care of itself.

Additional Bible Readings:

Ephesians 2:10- "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Psalm 139:13-14- "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wondefully made."

Psalm 8:5- "Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings, and crowned him over with glory and Honor."

Phillipians 1:6- "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to chopelation at the day of Jesus Christ."

Ecclesiastes 11:4, 6- "He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap. [...] In the morning sow your seed, and at evening withhold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper, this or that, or wheter both alike will be good."

2 Timothy 1:6- "For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands,..."

Good bye for now Dr. Warren

While at a Mary Kay party a friend of mine from church was throwing, I found out that one of my old teachers at F-HU passed away today. Dr. Warren was my speech teacher. I never will forget his smile (man he had LONG teeth), how he would go out of his way just to say hey, and how he LOVED his wife. I also won't forget how he cared for people and how he and his wife were so gracious, and generous and hospitibal. He had some health problems, and then his wife was diagnosed with Alzheimers. I would kindly ask you to keep him and his family in your prayers, and especially his wife as I do the same. Thank you very much.

So... Here I am again...

Hey, all. I know it's been a while... YET AGAIN!! Not a lot has been going on lately. I'm taking Educational Psychology at a local Comm. College and a big part of that was my mom's "influence"... She was really pushing me to stay "in the loop" of things I guess. So I did.... It's been ok so far. Our first test is tomorrow... *sigh* It's been fun trying to study. I went out of town two weeks ago to John's dad's house in Mississippi. It was fun. It was wierd coming back, though... I was feeling kinda sad leaving that Monday. But I got over it just as soon as my lack of sleep caught up with me. lol... Then the following weekend, since John had taking that Friday off thinking we'd be going back that weekend to an Ole Miss football game and to see their dad in a play, we ended up spending that Saturday and Sunday at his mom and step-dad's. Then, the play and the football game was this past weekend. I got home last night about 9:30 pm, but ended up in Nolensville at my curfew time. (Me having a curfew at 21 is a different story for a different time...) It was fun. His daddy was amazing in the play. I was really impressed. It was a sequel to a play they did last year. If either play is going ot happen around here where I live, I would LOVE to try out for it. The play that was put on last year was called "Smoke on the Mountain" and the sequel was called "Sanders Family Christmas". I would highly recommend seeing them, but seeing them in order because it makes more sense that way. OBVIOUSLY!!! haha... But anyway. Just thought I'd touch base with y'all... I haven't seen my sister yet since we moved her in, but hopefully soon I'll be able to get out there to visit.

So, in six days we're moving my sister in at Freed Hardeman University. That's where I've attended for three years. I'm transferring to Columbia State, so I'm coming back home. So this is gonna be kind of bitter sweet coming to Freed, but it's going to be wierd since I'm not moving in to attend there. :( I don't really know how I'm feeling. I'm glad I'm not going back in some ways. But in a lot of ways I'm going to miss it. There, the student body definately feels like a family. It's going to be hard the the first few days without my sister here and me not being there too. It's wierd that this is her last week at home before she goes to college. I kinda feel old. haha.... But then again I shouldn't because I'm about two and a half years older than her. So... Just think of me the next couple weeks. That would mean a lot.

truely scared

we found out recently at church that one of our missionaries we support had gotten kidnapped in nigeria and had some kind of randsome on him (wording??) that someone could pay to rescue him. i don't know if the captors got their randsome money or what but they let him go. he's been sick and lost either his brother or cousin (i was told two different things)... so he's been in going through some mega struggles... this past tuesday, a member at our church left to go to nigeria to do more mission work, the day that someone else got kidnapped. he got released wednesday. i was sitting at church and i was truly scared... i don't get truly scared about a lot of things very easily, but this was SCARY!!! she could not make it back alive!! i mean... think about it... if any christians read my blog, please pray for her. and these other two. their names are Edu Okure, Bob Wittaker, and Joyce Anderson.

Capri by Colbie Callait

She's got a baby inside
and holds her belly tight
all through the night
just so she knows
she's sleeping so
safely to keep
her growing
and oh when she'll open her eyes
there'll be no surprise
that she'll grow to be
so beautifully
just like her mother
that's carrying
oh capri
she's beauty
baby inside she's loving
oh capri
she's beauty
there is an angel growin' peacfully
oh capri
sweet baby
and things will be hard at times
but i've learned to try
just listening
patiently, oh capri
sweet baby
oh capri
she's beauty
baby inside she's loving
oh capri
you're beauty
just like your mother
that's carrying... oh capri

So I don;t know where this has come from but John and I have been arguing a lot lately. I woke up with a headache this morning and vomitted. John and I argued last night on the way home to my house and every time we do I never feel like he wants me. I always feel like I'm just not making him happy. He wants me to lose weight and look a little better for him. I can understand him wanting to have a good looking girlfriend or fiance, but ya know, I don't understand why I'm the one doing this for him and he hasn't done anything for me... He has to lose weight and has no room to talk. I want him to look good but he attributes it all to laziness. I can't sit here and lose this weight for him and him not lose weight for himself in return. It's also hard for me to accept that he sometimes skips church. I grew up where I LOVED going to worship. God is my first priority, but it doesn't seem the first priority for him. I want it to be a first priority for him, I just don't see it. He's asked me to help him and I've tried, but every time i try to help him it doesn't seem that he appreciates my help and every different way i try to help him doesn't seem to work because he just sits there and gets upset with me. I don't know what else to do. I want this to be a testimony for the people who are dating. Relationships are a bunch of give and take, compromise and working things out. We need to find a healthy way to argue/disagree. It takes work and if you really love them, you'll do what you can to change and work through it TOGETHER.

Updates, updates, updates!!!

So, I have been goin crazy this summer... I've been to a Sounds game (nashville's minor league baseball team), a wedding and lots of exercizing. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow... BOOO.... I hate the dentist!! Oh well.. Whatever. Then, we're going out of town on thursday. My mom, dad, sister, fiance and I are going to Arkansas for our annual Fourth of July fishing trip we do with my mom's side of the family. I enjoy the trip, but sometimes it gets kind of boring because we do the same thing every year... But it should be better since John's going with us. I can't wait. Someone closer to my age will be there and it will be nice. Then, when we get back from there, we're going to have to get ready for church camp. We're getting back from arkansas monday of next week and then we leave the following saturday for church camp. The staff for camp has to be there the day before campers get there so we can do what we need to do to get ready for them. The day that the campers leave, I have to leave, too. John's going to a wedding in Kentucky and he wanted me to go with him. So it will be fun. I can't wait. Then sometime after that, we're going to go to Mississippi to John's grandmother's house because she wants to meet my family. So, it will be fun. John and I are going to go with them. haha... Anyway..I'm taking some time off of school and John and I may be getting married in march or april. I am ready for married life, but at the same time, it's new for me (obviously since i've never been married before) so i'm kinda scared that I might mess something up. Lord willing, I won't... I mean I know that marriage isn't always easy, and I know that it will take work from both of us, but he's the one I want to be with and he's the one I want to grow old with and he's the one that I want to be married to. He's exactly what I've been looking for in a husband, a mate, and I can't picture myself with anyone else. Before I came home, I talked to a childhood friend that I hadn't talked to in FOREVER and reminded me of how much I've been missing. We were like spaghetti and meatballs. We were inseperable. It was great to talk to her. So... That's what's been going on so far this summer. Oh yea. I forgot about my mission trip. I went to NC again for the sixth time and it was great to be back. I missed it. The week went well and i can't wait to go back. That's all I have to write now... I'll have more later prolly.

Finals week is this week!!!

This week is finals week and I am going to go crazy. I am so ready to be home. It's unreal how time flew this semester! I can't believe that it went by so fast. I love people here but I'm ready to be home. John's going to be so much closer now and I'm so excited!!! It's going to be great! My sister graduates about a week after I get back. So that's going to be fun. I'm gonna see a TON of family and I can't wait!!! YAY!! John's going to go with us there too!! Can't wait!! yay!!! Anyway.. I'll prolly have more to say when the week progresses when I'm not studying! :(

It's been a while... I know I know...

Sorry for not being here for a while. I have been so busy with stuff. Finals week is next week. This is the last week of classes. I got this unreal feeling all the sudden that I feel SO ALONE... I don't get this feeling a lot, but I don't like this. I want to be home. I haven't been home since Spring Break, and my mom and dad (and i think my sister too) are coming Sunday for Mother's Day. I am really excited that they're going to be here. I love seeing them. I miss them so much. Being married is going to KILL me because I want to spend time with them, but I am going to be married and something tells me that I won't see them as much as I want to!!! Fun, huh!!

About being married... I want to be married so bad. Waiting is just going to drive me crazy. I can't stand being away from John. The distance drives me nuts. I can't see him all the time. He is my better half. He completes me. He is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am so completely blessed to have him in my life and that he's going to be the one I'm going to build a home and a family with. It's just so incredible to think that he's MINE!! This is a great feeling!

I plan on being on more this summer when I have more time. My sister graudates 8 days after I get home. It's going to be so much fun!!! I can't wait. Next fall, we are going to be going to school together. But I don't think I could live with her partly because we'd ring each others necks. The other reason I don't want to take away from her college experience. She needs to know how to live with other people and not me. She already knows how to live with me. But I'll be here just in case she needs to move. Right now the dorm I live in is a dorm with 6 people in a suite. There's three people in a bedroom, and each suite has three bedrooms, one bathroom and a living area. I have a room mate and three suite mates. So if she absolutely needed to, she can move in our suite.

So I just found out a band called Secondhand Serenade. They're good! I like them a lot!! On www.projectplaylist.com I made a playlist of just their stuff! I love it!!! It's going to be over played! But I don't really care! I really like their stuff!!! It seems to be really talking about situations I've been on in the past and stuff I deal with now in school. It's unreal... It's almost like Dejavu moments!!! Wierd i know! Y'all should check them out!

It's been a while... SRY

Hey, readers. Sorry it's been a while. I have been busy and out of town a lot. I got back from Spring Break. John and I got engaged on the 27th of December with John. It was during my christmas break.

Here's the reader's digest version. My mom, dad and sister went out of town earlier that day to go to visit my mom's parents for christmas. I didn't go. I convinced them (somehow) to let me stay home because John was there and he had something planned that afternoon/evening. John and I went to J Alexanders in Nashville. We've been there before and LOVE it. They have great steaks! Anyway, after that we went to our favorite spot in Down Town, Love Circle. There's this hill on this street that you can get to the top of and see the whole skyline of Nashville. It's beautiful, especially at night. He had brought his video camera he had gotten from his dad at christmas. After a little while of being on there with him he started talking about how wonderful I am and all these romantic things and I started to cry. A whole bunch of people started to come up the hill after we had been there for a little while and we moved so he could see a good view when he proposed... And then he proposed, and I couldn't say anything so I nodded. haha. Then we started calling people... I spent about an hour on the phone calling people I wanted to know.

Now, we've been engaged for about 3 months, and I'm loving it. We haven't set a definate date yet, but we've gotten a general time period we want to get married. We both want me to finish school first, and we want to get married the summer after I graduate. I'm enjoying engagement, but it's making it hard because he's already graduated from college and is working now in Nashville, and I'm in school about 2 and a half hours away (I go to school where he and his brother both went... What a coincidence). I met John at my home congregation in Nashville through his brother (who I was crushing on at the time). That was Christmas break about a year ago. The, we had our first date the night before I turned 20. Yea, I know. What good timing, right?!?!

Anyway.... Spring break was this past week. We tried to hook John's brother, James, up with our friend, Katlyn. But he didn't show up because he was gonna break up with his girlfriend. So, we'll have to try to do that later. That's ok. This past weekend, we celebrated his birthday, his best friend's birthday (Mike is his name) and this other guy's birthday (Patrick) here close to school. I had a BLAST... It was awesome. I can't wait to do this again. This coming weekend, John and I are going to his dad's house. There's a reason for it, but it's kind of a surprise. So once I know something else for sure, I'll be sure and write about it. I can't wait. I hope that this works out. I'll try to post some things more regularly now that I'm back and I have a computer in front of me.