YAY Improvements!!! :)

So, I've been doing a lot better today than I was a couple days ago when I made my last post. I totally slept til after 10 this morning. It felt SO GOOD. I've never really slept that late unless I was sick or I didn't sleep well the night before. I am kind of bored, though, because of the snow. I enjoy snow, it's very pretty. But it's TOO cold. I am growing rather restless. I don't know about other people, but I can not wait until April comes around. I LOVE warm weather and I am DEFINATELY looking foward to the day where I can wear a t-shirt, and shorts outside. I'm not really big on tennis shoes, so you better believe I'll be wearing flip flops. For now, I'm stuck with layering the clothes or just staying inside... :( Oh well... Soon I will be out of here. I've been watching so many movies that I think that I am going to have to re-watch them. We're not going to be able to go to worship tomorrow because the roads are so bad in my neighborhood. Btw, shout out to Ms. VA!! Congrats on being crowned Mrs. America!! You have a great opportunity to influence so many people and to be a great role model for many. Please do it well. I'm happy for you. Just thought I would post again. Who knows. I may have a lot more posts on here in the next few days.

Me relieving my depressing venting out.

Hey, all. I'm sorry I haven't been on in forever. Things have been really hectic lately. John and I have been back together for a little while now and things are great! I am so glad that we've worked things out and are moving forward. I am so blessed to have him in my life. Lately, I've been on a crazy roller coaster of emotions. On one hand I am feeling very successful. I made a B in the class I took last semester!! That totally makes me 'happier than a tornado in a trailor park'. (THANKS MATOR!) But on the other hand part of me kind of feels emotionally drained. I don't know what it is. I guess I've been giving a lot of myself to so many other things (like school, chores, trying to find a job, other friendships) that I'm feeling kinda dry. I don't know. I just don't really feel like I'm worth everything that I've been given and it kinda makes me sad. It kinda feels like my self-worth has gone down. I don't know how to explain it. Here lately, I've been trying to think of good things about myself and I can't name any. I know I'm just too hard on myself. Someone once said that you probably know yourself too well to think of good things about yourself (that's totally a paraphrase, but that's the kind of point that was being made). They also said that it's always easier for you to bash yourself, and you can usually bash yourself harder than other people can bash you EVER. I don't know. Maybe I'm just bashing myself too hard. Maybe I just need to get away for a little while and recharge my batteries. That would probably make me feel better, ya think? I think it would help to say no sometimes to things/people that are taking up more time than they need to. PHEW. I am hoping that all this will die down soon. I really need a job. If anyone hears of openings, PLEASE let me know somehow... I'm on facebook, so feel free to message me. Anyway. I will try to post more on here when I can. Again, I'm sorry for being such a stranger. Thank God tomorrow's friday!! I live for those days!

hey

sry I've not posted in a while... things have been really busy. i really don't have a lot to say. i just wanted to let y'all know that i'm still alive and kicking. lol... i haven't forgotten about you guys, the readers. things have been stressful lately... i've been having people down my back and stressing me out and i'm getting sick of it... i'm so sick of stress... i wanna just move away and never come back sometimes so i won't have to deal with the same people all the time...

My A-D-D showin through...

My grandparents are coming today from Kentucky. Granddaddy's helping my dad with something for our yard... Like airrating it and putting out grass seed or something.... I don't know. But I'm excited.

I have a test next week in my Ed. Psych class and the funniest part to me (not that it's bad... but neway) my teacher's not gonna be there for the test because she has to be away for meeting or something. She couldn't get out of it because the person that called her to come to these meetings pays her salary and she pretty much told our teacher that she was gonna have to get a sub. So that's gonna be fun. So I have a good amount of studying to do. I'm gonna do as much as I can... I really need to pass this class. I know I can, but anyway...

So I woke up at like 7 something this morning. I don't know why. It's not even daylight savings time yet... But it is Saturday... I'm glad we're getting an extra hour of sleep. The DST in the spring really messes me up. I hate it. But anyway...

Man I gotta start sleeping in my bed again. For the past almost three weeks, I've been sleeping in the bonus room on the couch. This past weekend, I didn't tho. I was in Henderson, Tn. visiting my sister and some of my friends at Freed Hardeman. It was good to get away. In a way, it's good to be home, too. I love it there, but I love home. Ya know?

Girls night and other events

So, tonight after class I was able to enjoy spending time with a couple other great girls. My friend Jenna and I went out to eat at Logans Roadhouse. It was good! I had Southwest BBQ Chicken. It was grilled chicken breast with bbq sauce, cheese and diced tomatoes. It came with coleslaw and I got to pick 2 sides. I got broccoli (the seasonal vegetable) and sauteed mushrooms. MEGA GOOD and I'm not a big broccoli person! :) Then we went over to another friends house and we watched Flash Foward and Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Flash Forward was good. I probably should not have come in on the third episode, but I did. So I kinda feel obligated to go back and watch the first two before Thursday when it comes on again. The episode of EMHE we watched was good. Can't wait for the next one! :) Hope to have more girls nights.

Before class, I had to go to Joann's (a craft store I've applied at for a job) to talk to the Hiring Manager. And of course, he wasn't in AGAIN. So I have to go back again into Cool Springs to talk to him. He wasn't there when I turned in my application last week. In a way I kinda would hate to make a trip just to tak to him. But who knows, maybe I can talk to other people at other places I 've applied to and do the same thing. So who knows... I seem to be in a better mood today. It was hard not going to Johns after class today as I normally had been doing. But I think that day by day if I take one day at a time, things will get better. I hope they do. And I hope that John doesn't forget about me. I hope that what I'm feeling [in hopes to get back together and all that stuff if things are right] aren't one sided. So... Anyway. I guess I'll stop here. I'm gonna start a thing where I hopefully will be able to read the bible in 90 days.

[John hope you're doing well. I'm sure you'll prolly read this... I'll try to post more every day so you can know what's going on day to day so you can see how I'm changing. I want this to work and I hope you do to. Don't let things go by too long before we can try again. Hope to see you soon.]

The past day-- Trying to take it one day at a time

A lot has happened in the past twenty four hours that has made me think about my life, where I am and where I want and need to go. My fiance and I broke up yesterday afternoon. I hope I never have to face anything this difficult ever again. Things have to be worked out. I want him back so bad, I'm willing to do almost anything. I hope, though, that he realizes he has to work hard to get me back. I didn't sleep well last night at all. It's been so hard trying not to think about him and not being able to contact him. I want to talk to him so bad, but I don't want that to affect what could happen to us in the future. I miss talking to him. He's my best friend. I mean you can't go without talking to your best friend. I've lost my appetite, I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. I feel so alone.

I'm currently looking for a job, so if anyone is reading this, keep me posted about places who are hiring. I would love to have something part time, and something more than just seasonal part time. I can't have just seasonal part time.

I also am really gonna be strict now about my weight and losing a lot so I can be healthy. A lot of things didn't motivate me. But, now that this has happened, I feel motivated enough to make a life change. I need to lose weight. Hopefully, that will help me gain back some self-esteem and some self-confidence. My mom, dad and I went to Rador Lake State Park today to go exercize. Dad ran, and Mom and I walked. We walked about 3 miles today. I'm pretty proud of myself. I hope to get to where I can exercize twice a day and eventually, maybe three times a day. I'm not desperate, so don't think that I am. I am primarily doing this for me. I need to watch what I eat and how much I eat. Sometimes I give in and get things I don't need. I'm now having to cut back on a lot of things and it's gonna be so stinkin difficult!! UGH...

I also have to gain independence. It's hard, though, because when I transferred schools, I had to move back in with my parents. My curfew is earlier here than it was at school by thirty minutes to an hour. It's hard for me to get used to, but I'm getting there.

I'm trying, also, to make more friends around here that I can hang out with more, and talk to more often. It's hard for me to do sometimes. A lot of my friends I grew up with are in college now. And a lot of my friends are at Freed. So I can't just pick up and drive 3 hours to go see my friends, and then come back another 3 hours. I can't. It's been hard because dad's been out of a job almost a year now. Money's really tight.

I just hope that I can have the happiness that I did have with John back. I don't want to have to think that there may be someone else out there for me. It's too hard. John's the one I see for me. He's the one I see standing by me when I look at my wedding day. He's the one I see when I'm raising my children. He's the one I see when I am rocking on the front porch and I'm old and wrinkly. I know he's the one for me. I'm willing to work on what I have ot work on to get him back. I hope he's just that willing to work too.

If you're reading this, John, I hope you're seeing this and that it proves to you that I'm working on this. I want to make things work again and I want you back so bad. I hope you're willing to work, as well. We've both discussed this, but relationships aren't one-sided. They're two sided. They require a lot of work from BOTH people. I hope that if this is what you want, you're willing to work on it and you're willing to meet me in the middle. I love you.

Family "get togethers"

Today, John's dad and girlfriend came to town for the Ole Miss vs. Vandy football game in Nashville and he had gotten James, John and me all tickets as well. They (James, John, Mr. Farrow and Sally) plus my mom's parents all ate at our house for lunch. It was AWESOME. We had a blast spending time with each other. John and I left in my car, James in his car and Mr. Farrow and Sally in the car that they brought [Mr. Farrow sells Fords by the way]. John and I went to his house so he could change into something for the game so he wouldn't be cold. While he was changing, I played Civilization 4 [which is kinda new to me], and I'm hooked. I love it. Then, we left and drove to James' house. From there, James, John and I walked to Vandy's stadium to watch the game. After the game {which btw Go Ole Miss!!! 23 to 7!!}, the three of us went to Wendy's on West End Ave. for dinner. It was good. Then, we walked back to James' house and drove home. It wasn't until I got home from John's that my legs felt tired and kinda sore from the walking. I knew they'd prolly be a little tired, but I wasn't going to complain while walking because John was sore from helping a co-worker move, and I didn't want to sound like a wimp. But now I'm gonna just say it. My legs are tired and are kinda sore. But all in all we had fun. Just thought I'd share my events for the night. I had a blast. And tomorrow, I get to eat for free. We're having some kind of pot luck at church after worship to help "celebrate" our new addition to the church buildidng. So, needless to say, John, James and I are pretty excited. lol. Now, I'm going to go to bed. I'm beat!