A lot has happened in the past twenty four hours that has made me think about my life, where I am and where I want and need to go. My fiance and I broke up yesterday afternoon. I hope I never have to face anything this difficult ever again. Things have to be worked out. I want him back so bad, I'm willing to do almost anything. I hope, though, that he realizes he has to work hard to get me back. I didn't sleep well last night at all. It's been so hard trying not to think about him and not being able to contact him. I want to talk to him so bad, but I don't want that to affect what could happen to us in the future. I miss talking to him. He's my best friend. I mean you can't go without talking to your best friend. I've lost my appetite, I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. I feel so alone.
I'm currently looking for a job, so if anyone is reading this, keep me posted about places who are hiring. I would love to have something part time, and something more than just seasonal part time. I can't have just seasonal part time.
I also am really gonna be strict now about my weight and losing a lot so I can be healthy. A lot of things didn't motivate me. But, now that this has happened, I feel motivated enough to make a life change. I need to lose weight. Hopefully, that will help me gain back some self-esteem and some self-confidence. My mom, dad and I went to Rador Lake State Park today to go exercize. Dad ran, and Mom and I walked. We walked about 3 miles today. I'm pretty proud of myself. I hope to get to where I can exercize twice a day and eventually, maybe three times a day. I'm not desperate, so don't think that I am. I am primarily doing this for me. I need to watch what I eat and how much I eat. Sometimes I give in and get things I don't need. I'm now having to cut back on a lot of things and it's gonna be so stinkin difficult!! UGH...
I also have to gain independence. It's hard, though, because when I transferred schools, I had to move back in with my parents. My curfew is earlier here than it was at school by thirty minutes to an hour. It's hard for me to get used to, but I'm getting there.
I'm trying, also, to make more friends around here that I can hang out with more, and talk to more often. It's hard for me to do sometimes. A lot of my friends I grew up with are in college now. And a lot of my friends are at Freed. So I can't just pick up and drive 3 hours to go see my friends, and then come back another 3 hours. I can't. It's been hard because dad's been out of a job almost a year now. Money's really tight.
I just hope that I can have the happiness that I did have with John back. I don't want to have to think that there may be someone else out there for me. It's too hard. John's the one I see for me. He's the one I see standing by me when I look at my wedding day. He's the one I see when I'm raising my children. He's the one I see when I am rocking on the front porch and I'm old and wrinkly. I know he's the one for me. I'm willing to work on what I have ot work on to get him back. I hope he's just that willing to work too.
If you're reading this, John, I hope you're seeing this and that it proves to you that I'm working on this. I want to make things work again and I want you back so bad. I hope you're willing to work, as well. We've both discussed this, but relationships aren't one-sided. They're two sided. They require a lot of work from BOTH people. I hope that if this is what you want, you're willing to work on it and you're willing to meet me in the middle. I love you.
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